Failed Logic

I admit it. I was certainly wrong.

I figured that the easiest way to bore you all to hell would be to not post at all. Hell, what could possibly be more boring than nothing at all? I figured that was the definition of boredom.

I soon realized my error.

If I did not provide new material to my nonexistent loyal readers, they would simply go elsewhere to be entertained. Entertained meaning that they would not be bored, meaning that I had failed in my mission to bore you.

It's a rather odd paradox I've found. At its conception, Cafe Boring had only one goal: To bore all of you to hell. However, I soon realized that this goal was unachievable the way I was going about it. If I was so boring no one could stand to read my posts, then I would have no one to bore. So a second goal became being mildly interesting. I have to bore you all enough to satisfy my base project's goals, and yet I have to be interesting enough to maintain the steady (my ass) readership that the first goal requires.

Some may say that this is not possible. Others argue that making a blog where the author intentionally bores his/her audience is flat out stupid. Still others wonder who I am, and why I'm in their houses, and to them I say that they have attractive daughters.

Am I really just being stupid? Is this all a colossal waste of my and the internet as a whole's time? Yes. As it should be. The name of the game is Cafe Boring, after all. You people, who happen to be imaginary, need to analyze this from my position, the guy who is bla bla bla.

Ha, weren't you expecting me to say something halfway thoughtful? I think that's called irony and it's been implemented in comedy for years! But wait, this is not a comedy vehicle. This blog is designed to bore and entertain in one glorious nonexistent package. Why then is there evil in the world?

Because evil is the absence of boredom.

Think about it. It's hard to be bored while you're doing something illegal or immoral. But if you're living like a good Jew/Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist/Scientologist/Whatever (hope I didn't miss any of the bigguns), you will be BORED CONSTANTLY. That's right.

If you follow the 10 commandments you will be bored your whole life. And that's exactly what God wants.

Wait, that makes it sound like I'm on some holy, evangelical mission. Screw dat.

Instead of that, imagine if you will, that I am not on a mission from God, but rather something else.

And congratulations, now you're at the end of the post. You get a sticker.

PA Street Parking Legislation

"We have struggled long and hard for this, and as of today, no one in the state of Pennsylvania will be able to park on the road."

That was state representative Jim Grenson of the 14th district, commenting in front of the state legislature this morning and announcing that despite the massive public outcry, street parking had indeed been made illegal throughout the state.

"This is exactly the reason the USA is not a direct democracy," Continued Grenson, "sometimes, the majority of the people want something which happens to be retarded."

Proponents of the bill had argued that revoking PA resident's ability to park on the side of the road would in effect widen each residential road in the state by about 6 feet. They claimed that by denying people the ability to park on the road, they were avoiding road widening work which would have taken 3 years and cost $6 billion.

"In effect, we've just saved the taxpayers of this commonwealth six billion dollars. Just try and tell me that's bad legislation," demanded Grenson.

Opponents still argue that logic like that is flawed as no one was planning on widening the roads in the first place, and therefore no actual money was "saved."

Grenson responds to critics by claiming they "enjoy seeing children dive out into the road from between two parked cars and run over by SUVs."

Chuck Strong. CB News agencies.
7-13-2004 3:16pm

Great (And Still Boring, I Hope) News!

I love Ferrero Rocher hazelnut chocolates!

Let’s start first with the description on the back, as it accurately describes the magnificent chocolate morsel:

“Dear Consumer, thank you for purchasing Rocher chocolates. At the heart of Rocher is a whole roasted hazelnut and creamy chocolate filling inside a light crispy wafer, wrapped in milk chocolate and chopped hazelnuts.”

Get that? Not only is there a WHOLE ROASTED HAZELNUT in the middle of the spherical treat, not only is it surrounded with CREAMY CHOCOLATE, a CRISPY WAFER, and a layer of MILK CHOCOLATE, but you also get additionally bits of chopped hazelnuts inside that very final layer of chocolate. If this be not the desertly embodiment of all man’s desiring, what else could?

Certainly not Hershey’s Kisses, for they lack the hazelnut explosion, the light, crispy wafer, and orgasm-inducing creamy chocolate center. For a time, I was sure that Kit-Kats were king of all candy with their chocolate exteriors and crispy wafer interiors. But they too lacked creamy chocolate and hazelnuts.

Oh God yes, the hazelnuts and creamy chocolate insides make Ferrero Rocher chocolates truly divine. Let me now describe the exact sensations I feel as I devour this treat beyond all other treats.

Firstly, I unwrap the chocolate from it’s golden foil wrapper, and am awestruck by the sheer amount of hazelnut chunks in the outermost chocolate layer. I think to myself, “How can you possibly squeeze this much hazelnut chunks into a chocolate outermost layer without destroying the golden chocolate to hazelnut ration?” I put all thoughts aside as I bring the candy to my lips.

I decide to bite only half of the treat at first, though I could easily devour its entirety with one bite. My teeth slide easily through the outermost chocolate layer like a hot soldering iron through a thin slice of Danish (not Swedish, mind you) Havaarti cheese. They immediately make contact with the light, crispy wafer layer. I press on and am surprised at how truly light AND crispy the light and crispy wafer is as it shatters under my jaw pressure. And then, out of nowhere…

CREAMY CHOCOLATE CENTER rushes through the now gaping fissure in the light, crispy wafer layer. It is as if the Hoover Dam had suddenly given way when the creamy chocolate rushed into my mouth, like dammed water flowing without heed into a tiny unsuspecting village, preparing to wipe out the innocent women and children below who represent my preconceived notions of how good chocolates to taste. And like those poor women and children who drowned horribly in the now free dam water, my preconceived notions too gasped their last breaths on this earth.

My teeth continue their mission to reunite upper and lower and I encounter the centerpiece of the Rocher: THE ROASTED HAZELNUT CENTER! Hallelujah! I’ve died and finally arrived at chocolate-wafer-hazelnut heaven! The entire mixture melts in my mouth and I’m finally treated to a taste I’ve never experience before. The same taste Hannibal Lector might taste if he were to eat God Himself.

So, in conclusion, go to your local grocery shop and BUY AS MANY FERRERO ROCHER HAZELNUT CHOCOLATE CANDIES AS YOU CAN FIND. Go get them right now! I don’t care if it’s 2 am. Go stand in front of your local store until it opens. You simply have not lived until you’ve eaten a Ferrero Rocher chocolate candy.