Failed Logic

I admit it. I was certainly wrong.

I figured that the easiest way to bore you all to hell would be to not post at all. Hell, what could possibly be more boring than nothing at all? I figured that was the definition of boredom.

I soon realized my error.

If I did not provide new material to my nonexistent loyal readers, they would simply go elsewhere to be entertained. Entertained meaning that they would not be bored, meaning that I had failed in my mission to bore you.

It's a rather odd paradox I've found. At its conception, Cafe Boring had only one goal: To bore all of you to hell. However, I soon realized that this goal was unachievable the way I was going about it. If I was so boring no one could stand to read my posts, then I would have no one to bore. So a second goal became being mildly interesting. I have to bore you all enough to satisfy my base project's goals, and yet I have to be interesting enough to maintain the steady (my ass) readership that the first goal requires.

Some may say that this is not possible. Others argue that making a blog where the author intentionally bores his/her audience is flat out stupid. Still others wonder who I am, and why I'm in their houses, and to them I say that they have attractive daughters.

Am I really just being stupid? Is this all a colossal waste of my and the internet as a whole's time? Yes. As it should be. The name of the game is Cafe Boring, after all. You people, who happen to be imaginary, need to analyze this from my position, the guy who is bla bla bla.

Ha, weren't you expecting me to say something halfway thoughtful? I think that's called irony and it's been implemented in comedy for years! But wait, this is not a comedy vehicle. This blog is designed to bore and entertain in one glorious nonexistent package. Why then is there evil in the world?

Because evil is the absence of boredom.

Think about it. It's hard to be bored while you're doing something illegal or immoral. But if you're living like a good Jew/Muslim/Hindi/Buddhist/Scientologist/Whatever (hope I didn't miss any of the bigguns), you will be BORED CONSTANTLY. That's right.

If you follow the 10 commandments you will be bored your whole life. And that's exactly what God wants.

Wait, that makes it sound like I'm on some holy, evangelical mission. Screw dat.

Instead of that, imagine if you will, that I am not on a mission from God, but rather something else.

And congratulations, now you're at the end of the post. You get a sticker.